I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
