She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
