I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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