no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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