im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize