Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's official drugs can't kill me
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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