I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
she pinky promised me she was 18
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
