i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
