dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
