My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
