i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
