Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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