it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
two words: eviction party
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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