new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize