I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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