We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
