I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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