I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize