How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
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