Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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