as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
