If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
