Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dignity is for republicans.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
