just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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