Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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