I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
