I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
