I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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