I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
