Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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