dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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