i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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