I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
