I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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