tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
