Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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