Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
