I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
