I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
