my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Success! We fucked roommates!
I party with great urgency now.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
