drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The air was thick with penises
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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