I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
