I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
