i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize