just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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