I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
