Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You ate ashes out of my bong
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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