i need an iv and a liver transplant
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
