Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
