i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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