ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
