My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
