I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
