Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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