i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
