Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
They have beer where we have blood.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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