I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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