sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
