Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize