Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
