Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
