That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
