dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
